One of my friends used these words in a post on sparkpeople.com. It made me think. Our life is a journey. We live and change. We're faced with all kinds of experiences and change some more. Did I like what I was as a child? Have I ever liked myself? Did I lose myself along the way? Have the changes been good...or bad?
I've often stated that life begins at 40, and I still believe that. I did not like myself as a child. I had poor self-esteem. I struggled through life hoping that someday I would please Heavenly Father, and that is what kept me making the choices I made in my youth. After my mission I came home more confident and liking myself, but it was short-lived. It was just a taste of what I could really be.
For a long time I would look back at that brief time after my mission, and wish I could find it again. Finally, at the age of 42, I figured it out. I realized that I was acceptable to Heavenly Father. No matter what I do, HE still loves me and I am worthy of that love. That is extremely motivating to continue doing my best. I have overcome the effects of past abuse. I am confident, happy, at peace with myself. I am a positive person and have an optimistic outlook. I LOVE MYSELF!
Do you remember the radio ad for a product to recover lost hair growth? I left work one day just as that ad was playing. Immediately after starting my car I heard, "Try ______ and have the confidence you had 20 years ago."
I said out loud, "I don't want the confidence I had 20 years ago. I want the confidence I have right now!"
"BOLD"...
One of my friends just started a blog and used this word in her first post. She was saying that she is bold in some of her opinions and beliefs. It made me think because I'm the same way. Some things I have a very definite, strong opinion, and other issues I really don't care one way of the other.
Here's one where I have a definite opinion:
A friend posted an article on facebook last week about the differences between Chinese parents and western parents. I try to keep an open mind, but frankly, that article had the attitude that the Chinese way of parenting was best and us westerners just dabble in parenting. No wonder our kids are turning out flops.
There were a couple things that really bothered me about that article. First was that Chinese parents call their children names and demean them if they fail, calling their kids "garbage" and other things. I'm sorry, but THERE IS NO REASON EVER TO CALL YOUR CHILDREN NAMES! It is possible to be firm and to expect high things of your children without "motivating" them with demeaning and horrible names. I would NOT have been motivated by that and neither would my children. Names used in my past were things like fathead, meat head, bird brain, and others. They never made me want to do better. They only made me feel worse about myself.
Second, Chinese parents nag and fight their kids until the kids give up and the parent wins. Chinese children are never given the opportunity to CHOOSE. The whole idea is that the parents know best and must force the children to agree. I do not agree with that (besides the fact that is sounds very much like my childhood). I feel very strongly that children are blessed with the ability to choose. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I have always felt that way and that my children would have agency and would need to be taught to make wise choices. I believe that the only way they can learn to choose is to have the opportunity to make choices. To practice.
I start with simple things. When a child is 2 years old, I don't let them choose how long we will stay at the park to play. When it is time to go I pick them up and take them. When they are older I call them and start walking away. They have always come running. At the age of 2 years, I do let them choose between two shirts...do you want this one or that one? Last year I had to explain to one of Hannah's teachers that at the age of 13 Hannah was old enough to choose if she would continue in orchestra or not. She chose to stick with it, and she is much better about practicing this year (wonder of wonders!) By the time our kids are in their last year of school they are handling most of their own lives. Between high school and mission is when I teach them how to handle their own bank accounts and the finishing touches of cooking, mending and other skills.
I don't feel that I've done my kids a disservice by not forcing them to perform exactly the way I think they should. They are more confident than I ever was. The author of the article believed that the Chinese way created confident children and the western way created damaged children. Hmmm,...I haven't seen that in our family. One of my friends readers commented that Chinese parents turn out children who can do the job and excel in following orders, but they aren't innovators. I think I'd rather have innovators in my family. Tom pointed out that the Chinese way of doing things is based on their communistic background. Hmm, another thought.
Ooh, I HATED that article. Even when I agreed with certain aspects of it, (although I have to say, I don't think I agreed to the full extent with any aspect of it), I hated the attitude that it oozed.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's certainly not how Heavenly Father parents us. Of course, most of what she was critiquing as "Western" parenting isn't, either. You guys have a really loving, productive balance in your family. :)
I'm still trying to figure out how Heavenly Father would like me to parent our particular kiddos, LOL... but I think it starts with self-improvement, not browbeating.
I read the article as well. I was horrified at the thought of calling children names. I do think as parents sometimes we need to make wise choices for kids that they aren't ready to make yet and help them see it through. Teaching Libby to read comes to mind. She doesn't want to, at all, but as a parent I have to insist she sit down and try. Every day. But belittling children to motivate them is not helpful. I guess it comes down to what skills you want your children to learn. Do you want them to be a reliable part of a big machine or do we want them to have an ability to find what brings them joy and think creatively?
ReplyDeleteI'm on the wait list for that book at the library. I think that book has really sparked some discussion.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post!
Katie, I wish there were a "Like" button for your comment... :)
ReplyDeleteYes, Katie. Sometimes we do know better as parents and need to help our kids do something they don't want to do. How we do that is important. I think one point I agreed with in the article was that insincere praise is damaging to the kids. I know I could always tell when someone was spreading it on thick, and for me, that was just as bad as being criticized.
ReplyDelete