Monday, January 9, 2012

Monty Python wisdom

One thing I never got into when I was young was Monty Python. I thought it was silly. I remember one time for a singles activity (before mission...I think I was about 20) we had a sleep over at the church and one of the activities during the night was a viewing of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." I fell asleep! So as Tom (and later) the kids got into Monty Python and laughed up a gut, I was always off doing my own thing. 


So here we are at 2012. Johnathan sent a game called "Fluxx" to James for Christmas. It's based on Monty Python and is a really crazy, silly game. It's amazing that anyone can actually win the game because the rules and the objective of the game change all. the. time. One card says to draw three cards and you can play one card per quote you can say. I just ignore it because I don't know any quotes. Also, there are cards where you can draw and play extra cards if you talk with an accent or sing a Monty Python song. Well, if someone else is already singing a song I'll copy, but otherwise I'm stumped, and I ignore those cards, too. 


Today I was trying to come up with titles for blogs (not wanting to do the same old thing) and decided to look for Monty Python quotes. I found a good one for my journey blog. I also found this one. It is by God. 


"Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy.'"


Can you imagine how Heavenly Father must feel when He hears these over and over and over. I'm so glad He is so patient and loving. I'm so glad there will never be a day when He loses his temper and says, "That's it. I'm done. What's wrong with you? Why can't you get it right? You're a screwball." But He is always there and always doing what is best for us to learn and grow. Sometimes it does feel like a two by four to the head, but He always loves us. I think one of the sisters in our ward has this down to a science. She can correct you in the nicest way, and you never feel that her love is less or that you are less because of it. 


In and of themselves, these feelings of guilt, sorrow and unworthiness can be a stepping stone to better things and a better life as long as they are temporary. However, they are also a sign of abuse when they become crushing and constant. I have dealt with alot of verbal and emotional abuse in my life, and unfortunately, last year was one of those experiences.  


I may not always recognize abuse as it happens, but I do recognize how it affects me. One sure sign that I have just been on the receiving end of someone stepping over my boundaries or being outright abusive is that I start apologizing for everything. I apologize for every little thing I think I did wrong, including anything I may have done to offend the abuser. In fact, I also apologize for what they did to me. I also feel guilty for standing up for myself and removing myself from the situation. From there I go to second guessing myself and feeling unworthy. 


I was recently talking to someone, who said she didn't understand how someone can be abused and stay in the relationship. Why can't they just get out and stay out? I explained to her that often the abuser cuts off all avenues for you to get help. When you are abused you are so confused you don't know which way is up. It takes time to sort things out and too many times people go back too quickly. Fortunately, for me, I am strong enough to get out and stay out.  


The only way I know to get past the guilt, sorrow and feelings of unworthiness is FORGIVENESS. Applying the atonement to our lives by forgiving others is the key. I did it once before and life on the other side was wonderful. For a brief three years I was the Ann Jenson Heavenly Father meant for me to be. I'm working toward that again, and I'm getting closer and closer. Sometimes I wish I could just go inside myself and fix the wires that were damaged so long ago and still cause me trouble now. I hope that someday I'll know enough to avoid these experiences in the first place, to be the real me always. 


You may wonder why I post about these things. It's because I believe Heavenly Father has given me a wide variety of experiences so I can help others as they go through similar things. But I don't think it's only me. I think He designed all of us that way so we can all help each other.  

2 comments:

  1. There is a part in Larry Boy(veggietales) that Matt and I always tell each other. Alfred the butler says "You can't be who God wants you to be if you ......" fill in the blank. Larry boy was consumed with chocolate...the thought, the taste, anything that had to do with chocolate. Whenever we are selling ourselves short for whatever reason Matt always tells me this and he fills in the blank for me if something is overtaking my life. I believe God wants us to be happy. The hardest thing anyone has to learn is how to honestly let go. Time is healing but you have to forgive yourself too(if that makes sense) to have the process of healing complete. I hope that you will be able to get there. Life is so fragile, so short. There are so many beautiful things to be enjoyed and experienced and it is so hard when we are held prisoner by the past. We miss so much of our own lives. Just talking from experience. Have a great week and remember who you are!

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  2. Thanks, Debbie. I will get there because I got there once before, and I'm not willing to take 42 years to get there like it did the first time.

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