Who's watching?

I'm constantly learning what it means to be a Relief Society president. You'd think at almost one and a half years I'd almost have it down, but NOPE! No matter how hard I try I can't even put it into words. You just have to experience it yourself to fully appreciate what a Relief Society president does. I never wanted the job and hope to never do it again (ha ha!...heavy sarcasm, here), and during the last month or so even the nursery has been sounding good.

There have been a couple things in the last few days that have really helped. First, was our Relief Society birthday dinner. One of the girls talked about how Heavenly Father sees everything we do even when we feel that no one is noticing the things we do. Then we did an activity where half of us sat in a circle. The other half were standing behind those who were seated. The ones sitting, closed their eyes and the ones standing, moved around the circle and told each person something they admired about them. Then we traded places and repeated the exercise. It was so spiritual. There were tears and lots of smiles. It felt so good to hear people telling me that they appreciate what I do for them in my calling. They also told me they appreciate and admire my loving and peaceful nature.

The second thing happened on Sunday as we were waiting to start our presidency meeting. The secretary and I were sitting in our favorite room when a little boy from the other ward came in. He was hiding because he didn't want to go to primary. Lisa started asking where his parents were and suggested he go find them.

"No, I'm with my grandma."

"You should go find your grandma and let her know where you are."

"No, she'll make me go up there and I don't want to go. She can't see me here."

"Heavenly Father can see you."

"No he can't."

"Yes, he can."

"You mean, He can see me through the ceiling?"

"Yes, He can. He can see you everywhere."

"Oh. Maybe I should go to class."

Maybe I should pay attention since this message came twice. It reminded me that Heavenly Father loves me, knows me and accepts me. He notices what I do and helps me do what I need to do. I may have challenging weeks (like the last one), but I'm not alone because He is there. I'm just got to keep remembering that.

And so it goes...

Well, I'm feeling a bit better about everything now I had my little melt down. Things are looking up at work. Detoxing is still there. Relief Society is smoothing out...kinda.

Yesterday we had a memorial service for one of the less active sisters. We provided soup, rolls and cake for the lunch and it was so easy. A real blessing for everyone involved.

Then I learn that we have another funeral in the near future. Sister Harriet Wardle, one of the sweetest sisters in the ward, passed away this morning. I don't know when it will all happen. It was a bit surprising since Harriet has had the better health of the two of them lately. Jess is still hanging on although his health has steadily declined in the last few months. We miss seeing the two of them making their way down the halls of church or already sitting in the chapel when we arrive.

While we were living in Salt Lake I had to work for a time although I didn't want to leave the kids. Hannah was just a baby. One day I read in the Book of Mormon about how the people of Alma prayed that their burdens would be lightened. I prayed that mine would be lightened, too, and felt a physical lifting of my burdens. The weight on my shoulders actually felt lighter.

Tom reminded me of that scripture yesterday, so I've been praying for several things. That my burdens will be lightened. That I will be stronger and able to endure. That I will be forgiving, patient and able to fulfill my duties the way the Savior would. It's just a beginning, but my mood definitely shifted for the better today.

Note to the members of the ward who read this...We'll be calling for help!

The Blues

These last few weeks have been horrible. I'm so tired of feeling stressed out and worn out all the time.

First, the visit to my naturopath revealed that my body is having a hard time getting the lead out. (No pun intended.) He now has me on a supplement to help with that. The detoxing makes me very tired in the evenings, besides keeping me from losing any weight. Do you know how hard it is to eat like you're on a diet when you know it won't do any good? Very frustrating. I hate this stage of my healing.

Second, since the end of January I have had to do some things for Relief Society that have been very hard for me. AND then when it was done I was criticized because I didn't do it right. I never wanted this job and sometimes I have wished that I could give it back to some of the complainers. The previous president said she loved this job. I still don't, and I don't know if I ever will. It's the hardest calling I've ever had.

Third, we have had a very hard year at work, and were overjoyed when the new assistant manager decided to move to a new school. I took her place...but her presence is still very much in our kitchen. Rather than talk to me about things, the manager let her frustrations build up until she blew up one day (referenced in the previous post). She acted totally inappropriately and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I walk on egg shells at work and then cry in the evenings. The day it happened she "invited" me to go home if I couldn't pull myself together. If I had gone home, I really doubt that I would have ever gone back. As it is, I'm wondering if I will stay past this year...or even make it to the end of the year.

What a man!

Yesterday was a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."

Here's what Tom brought home to cheer me up.

Thought provoking words

"I lost what I used to be and I miss what I used to be"...

One of my friends used these words in a post on sparkpeople.com. It made me think. Our life is a journey. We live and change. We're faced with all kinds of experiences and change some more. Did I like what I was as a child? Have I ever liked myself? Did I lose myself along the way? Have the changes been good...or bad?

I've often stated that life begins at 40, and I still believe that. I did not like myself as a child. I had poor self-esteem. I struggled through life hoping that someday I would please Heavenly Father, and that is what kept me making the choices I made in my youth. After my mission I came home more confident and liking myself, but it was short-lived. It was just a taste of what I could really be.

For a long time I would look back at that brief time after my mission, and wish I could find it again. Finally, at the age of 42, I figured it out. I realized that I was acceptable to Heavenly Father. No matter what I do, HE still loves me and I am worthy of that love. That is extremely motivating to continue doing my best. I have overcome the effects of past abuse. I am confident, happy, at peace with myself. I am a positive person and have an optimistic outlook. I LOVE MYSELF!

Do you remember the radio ad for a product to recover lost hair growth? I left work one day just as that ad was playing. Immediately after starting my car I heard, "Try ______ and have the confidence you had 20 years ago."

I said out loud, "I don't want the confidence I had 20 years ago. I want the confidence I have right now!"

"BOLD"...

One of my friends just started a blog and used this word in her first post. She was saying that she is bold in some of her opinions and beliefs. It made me think because I'm the same way. Some things I have a very definite, strong opinion, and other issues I really don't care one way of the other.

Here's one where I have a definite opinion:

A friend posted an article on facebook last week about the differences between Chinese parents and western parents. I try to keep an open mind, but frankly, that article had the attitude that the Chinese way of parenting was best and us westerners just dabble in parenting. No wonder our kids are turning out flops.

There were a couple things that really bothered me about that article. First was that Chinese parents call their children names and demean them if they fail, calling their kids "garbage" and other things. I'm sorry, but THERE IS NO REASON EVER TO CALL YOUR CHILDREN NAMES! It is possible to be firm and to expect high things of your children without "motivating" them with demeaning and horrible names. I would NOT have been motivated by that and neither would my children. Names used in my past were things like fathead, meat head, bird brain, and others. They never made me want to do better. They only made me feel worse about myself.

Second, Chinese parents nag and fight their kids until the kids give up and the parent wins. Chinese children are never given the opportunity to CHOOSE. The whole idea is that the parents know best and must force the children to agree. I do not agree with that (besides the fact that is sounds very much like my childhood). I feel very strongly that children are blessed with the ability to choose. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I have always felt that way and that my children would have agency and would need to be taught to make wise choices. I believe that the only way they can learn to choose is to have the opportunity to make choices. To practice.

I start with simple things. When a child is 2 years old, I don't let them choose how long we will stay at the park to play. When it is time to go I pick them up and take them. When they are older I call them and start walking away. They have always come running. At the age of 2 years, I do let them choose between two shirts...do you want this one or that one? Last year I had to explain to one of Hannah's teachers that at the age of 13 Hannah was old enough to choose if she would continue in orchestra or not. She chose to stick with it, and she is much better about practicing this year (wonder of wonders!) By the time our kids are in their last year of school they are handling most of their own lives. Between high school and mission is when I teach them how to handle their own bank accounts and the finishing touches of cooking, mending and other skills.

I don't feel that I've done my kids a disservice by not forcing them to perform exactly the way I think they should. They are more confident than I ever was. The author of the article believed that the Chinese way created confident children and the western way created damaged children. Hmmm,...I haven't seen that in our family. One of my friends readers commented that Chinese parents turn out children who can do the job and excel in following orders, but they aren't innovators. I think I'd rather have innovators in my family. Tom pointed out that the Chinese way of doing things is based on their communistic background. Hmm, another thought.

Word to the wise

After receiving our Bountiful Basket today, dinner will be bean and cheese burritos with fresh salsa cruda and guacamole. We'll also be having fried plantain bananas with crema.

Word to the wise...when making salsa cruda, DO NOT touch your face when your hands are covered with peppers, onion and garlic. And if you do, NEVER sniffle. I learned from first hand experience. Tom will be making all our salsa from now on!

This has been a day to remember and revisit the past. First we walked to Fred Meyer for a few groceries, thinking we'd get our exercise while accomplishing something. Then we remembered...we used to do that all the time when we were newly weds and didn't own a car. Tonight the kids will be gone; we will be playing scrabble...the favorite date night of our early married years. Tom is even spreading out a blanket for us to play on. The only things different than times past...our ages, 24 years of marriage, and a nice fire in the fireplace!

Temple!

This is what the Tegucigalpa Honduras Temple will look like. It was announced in 2007 and I was sad to learn that construction had been halted soon after it was begun. Finally, the church decided to change locations of the temple site and construction was begun again in 2009. Members in Honduras had to travel by bus 12 hours to get to the temple in Guatemala. Mostly, they go once a year.

I lifted this photo off facebook. My friend Francis is in it somewhere. I was looking at it thinking, "Wait! That's not the Guatemalan temple. What temple is that?" It's the Honduras temple! I'm so excited for them. My friends there in the Teguc area will be able to attend the temple as much as they want!

Netflix lessons

I know we are behind the times when it comes to technology! After all we've only had a cell phone for a year and a half now, and I've only had an mp3 player for about 3 years. Well, we were looking at the budget and decided that even though we don't rent movies every month, we were still spending more than $10 per month when we did the math. So we signed up for netflix. It's been fun watching movies and shows whenever we want and having them delivered at the door.

Some of the shows I watched were documentaries on Mount Everest. (Yes, I'm looking forward to summer and more hiking! But I've decided that Mount Everest won't be on my hiking list.)

It takes several months just to prepare to climb Mount Everest, and it can take 2 months to achieve their goal. For example: I never knew that to climb Everest they leave base camp and climb to Camp 1. They stay at Camp 1 for several days getting used to the elevation. Then they move to camp 2 for a night and then camp 3 for a night. Then they hike all the way back to base camp for a few nights before they start over. With wonderful weather and perfect health, the trip to the summit and back can take a couple weeks, and by the time they actually reach the summit they have climbed Everest at least twice. Finally, when they reach camp 4, they rest for a few hours and then start climbing again at 11 pm. That allows them to reach the summit and return to camp 4 all in one day.

The part of one show that caught my attention was this:

Once people are on the mountain they can't be stopped. They are focused on the goal. Even when there are accidents and bad weather it is hard for them to turn back knowing that they may never reach the summit in their lifetime. It's especially hard when they know this is their only chance to do it.

Those in base camp can only give advice. They cannot enforce a direct order and it does no good to give them. They can't say, "The weather is bad, get back down here." All they can say is, "The weather isn't looking very good. Maybe you should turn around." It's up to the climber to use his judgement.

I've been thinking about how that lesson can be applied to life. We all have our goals and dreams. We work on them and make progress in them daily. The closer we are the more excited and focused we get. If someone were to give us a direct order, we probably wouldn't listen. All they can do is make suggestions and let us decide.

It's amazing what you can learn from Netflix...lol.

Old/New goal continued

So day 3 hasn't been a rousing success, but I'm a work in progress. Tomorrow will be better.

I had a nice visit with the naturopath today. I told him that I feel like this detox thing is going to take forever. He told me that the bulk of it happens relatively quickly, but the end of it drags out. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it gave me hope that some day soon my bp will return to normal because I won't be detoxing as actively as I am right now. Whatever I'm detoxing now is making my left hip hurt bad enough that I can't find a comfortable position to sleep. Ugh.

He also told me that my body is stronger. I can't tell if I'm progressing or not, so it's always nice to hear good things like that. It's still hard to be patient when it's taking so much longer than I hoped it would.

He also told me that I've progressed enough that another layer has been uncovered. Good or bad news I can't tell at the moment. Hopefully, that's good in the long run. Apparently, our scar tissue isn't as supple and pliable as regular tissue and sometimes it runs interference in the nerve impulses that run through our bodies. So we did some work on my scars today. He had me touch my gall bladder scar and tell him about the circumstances, my emotions at the time, when it happened, etc, as he waved a lazer beam over me. It was weird, but I'm sure he knows what he is doing. Then we did it with my C-section/appendix scar.

It's really interesting to learn about my body this way. I'm really thinking that for now this is the best course for me. I'm glad I found someone good.

Old/New goal

Out of all my goals this year, one I focused on a lot was my weightloss and health goal. I've seen some progress, and some regression. It has been disheartening to see some pounds come back, but I figure it's part of the journey. Part of that is because of the detoxing I started in July, and part of it is just plain because I lost the pounds in the wrong way in the first place.

I have always felt that I shouldn't eliminate any food, but rather that I need to learn how to eat all foods in the proper portion size, to have a well-balanced diet. While visiting the naturopath I've learned that eating low fat for so long may have contributed to my current health (or lack thereof) and I have happily increased the fat I eat. Early in this journey the naturopath asked me to track my food and had very few suggestions to make my eating better. I was doing quite well on my own and once I started really looking at what I was eating I started losing weight because I started eating better portions.

However, the last six months have really been hard for me as I worked towards this goal. The slow track got very boring. HCG came along and promised quick weightloss. I thought I could cut 5-6 months off my overall journey. I didn't realize until later there were several aspects of that program that wouldn't work for me, and in all reality hcg cost me a good 6 months in my progress. 1. It was so restrictive that I ended the diet even more tired of self-denial and gave up not eating certain foods completely and in some cases a little too early. 2. It totally messed with my head and my thinking. I have always worked on having healthy thinking when it comes to food...but after hcg I was entertaining serious thoughts of bulimia and other diet mentality thinking. 3. While some people can readjust in the three weeks of maintenance, I took months and months. I don't know if I am totally stabilized yet. 4. My body kicked into heavy metal detox which made it even harder to readjust after the diet.

So, I'm back to doing what I know deep inside myself is the right thing for me to do. To strive for a well-balanced, healthy diet that eliminates nothing. I recently found some inspiration in this. One of the sisters in our ward started doing something very similar last March. All she has done was to limit her sugar and refined foods to two days in a year's time (her birthday and Christmas) and exercise 6 times a week. In nine months she has lost 80 pounds and is looking great.

My goal this year is to limit my sugar intake (the obvious sugar) to one day per week. I'll try to limit it to reasonable portions on that day, but I'm not going to sweat it if I over do it once or twice. The second part of this goal is to eat as gluten-free as possible. That, by itself takes care of alot of refined things. The third part is to do some kind of exercise 5-6 days a week. I'll have to figure out how I want to report my progress, but I'm excited.

I'm also a little scared. I'm stepping out on faith. What if my body is still so stressed with detoxing that I still don't lose weight? What I'm hoping for is that I'll be back down to 163 by my birthday in June, but I've decided that at least I'll be eating for health and some day the weight loss should catch up.

So I'm off on a new year already. December 26 was my first day. I haven't done perfectly, but I have done a ton better. So I'm happy with my progress so far. I'm even seeing a very slight sign that things are turning around after the first two days.